How Did I Get Here?
by racerchic01
Summary: Olivia thinks about Fitz and the course her life has taken after he let her go. Fitz is contemplating whether or not he can really live and move on without her. (I'm really not good at summaries). Rated K for language, maybe?
1. Fault

_**Author's note: Hey guys, if you are reading this, then thank you. This is my first fan fiction. I am 15 years old, and am a little nervous about putting myself out there. this is just a one-shot I decided to do based off of one of my favorite show. I don't think it's that great, but I'm hoping you guys will like it.**_

_**I do not own Scandal or its characters in any way. If I did, Fitz and Olivia would have ran away together by now, as irrational as that sounds. This AMAZING show belongs to its creators. Thank you Shonda Rhimes; you have made another addicting show.**_

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_How did I get here?_ I, Olivia Carolyn Pope who wears the white hat, am having an affair with the leader of the free world. Or, at least I was. I unofficially broke things off. You could say he finalized it when he 'let me go'. Now all I get are glimpses of him on TV, or random phone calls from Cy with quick updates. I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I stayed. What if I had given us a chance? What if I had simply said yes? Where would we be; would we have made it?

But I guess it's all my fault right? I should've known that this would end badly. I should've known the difference between right and wrong. Now I'm that girl- you know the one, the home wrecking whore, the mistress, the other woman. _Where's your white hat now, Olivia? _He hates those names, says I should know better than to call myself his mistress. All those memories of Camp David and the campaign trail flood my thoughts. But is that not who I am? He's married, yet he was with me. I became that girl. Five years ago, if you would have told me that I would have an affair with Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III, I would have laughed at such absurdity.

I know it was wrong, it still is. I knew what I was getting myself into. I shouldn't have expected a happy ending. No riding off into the sunset with my prince charming. So, here I am sitting on my couch with popcorn and wine, staring at his face on the television. I break down and begin to sob. I feel like my whole world is crumbling, because he was my world. He always will be. I should have have told him how much I love him, and that I always will. I don't cry for long. I am Olivia Pope. I don't cry over boys like a pathetic high schooler. I let myself fall desperately and irrevocably in love with a married man. But the worst part is, if I and the chance to go back and start over, I wouldn't have done a single thing differently. Because that is how much I love him.

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**_Thank you for reading! If you could leave a review that would be great. I don't care if it's positive or not, any feedback would be fine. Depending on if you guys like it or not, I might write another one-shot_****_ maybe from Fitz's POV,_****_ or continue with thi_****_s story, I don't know... Ok, I guess that's it. Bye!_**


	2. What Should've Been Said

**Author's note: Hey! I wanted to give you a little something for the WONDERFUL reviews I got. The make me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Oh, and by the way, this is the first time I'm writing dialogue for an 'official' story, so sorry if it might sound OOC, I'm not really sure about this chapter so…**

**I do not own Scandal in any way. You would know if I did, 'cuz Edison wouldn't even exist, and Liv and Fitz would be on that ranch havin' purty babies, lol. ;-) All mistakes you may find are completely my own.  
**

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Chapter 2:

I sat on my couch watching the news after another long day of work. The clock read just eleven o' clock. I was nursing a glass of wine when I saw a picture his face flash across the news. It's like he's showing up everywhere lately- in my thoughts, my dreams, my job- and I didn't know what to do.

Edison doesn't seem to get the message. I keep trying to tell him that I don't want to try again. If I really think about it, I don't think I could fathom any other man touching me other than Fitz. As much as I tell myself to move on, to get over it, I can't. I know I can't. Because the fact of the matter is, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III is the love of my life. But I was a coward I was too afraid to dream of our happily ever after because I didn't want to get hurt. I should have have told him how I felt; I should have told him what I wanted.

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_***Flash back***_

We were lying in bed in 'our cabin' at Camp David. Our seemingly endless round of lovemaking **(AN: People, please use your imaginations. I'm still a kid, and am highly uncomfortable just by typing the word 'lovemaking', ok? Great! You may proceed…)** probably wasn't the best thing to do when you're tired. Fitz was tracing lazy patterns on my shoulder, and it sent tingles throughout my body. Our bodies were spooned against each other's, my head against his strong chest. Our chests rose and fell together, as one, always in sync. These are the moments I savored. In these moments, it didn't matter that I was the fixer and he was the president. We were just two people madly in love. The room was quiet, except for the sounds of our quiet breathing, as one, always in sync.

"Do you ever think about us- our future?" Fitz asked thoughtfully. "Do you ever think about what will happen to us after my presidency?"

"Fitz, I … we've had this conversation before. I don't… I mean of course I've thought about it- us. I think of where we'll end up. But, honestly- where can this go? You're the president of the United States. I'm your fixer. You're married, you have children," I turned over to face him, "you shouldn't even be here, doing this. I shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be dreaming of having a life with your mistress-"

"Stop, Liv. Don't you ever call yourself a mistress; we both know better than that. You're it for me, Liv. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I. Love. You. And I don't think I'll ever stop."

"Fitz, don't you see how wrong this is? We can't continue doing this. Think about Karen and Gerry. How would they feel if they found out?" Olivia questioned. In that moment Fitz could see the woman he loves diminishing, and Olivia Pope, the fixer, took place. "How would America feel? If anyone found out about this-what we're doing-it would kill your ratings and you-"

"Why do you keep fighting this?" Olivia froze. She looked at his face and saw a slew of emotions cross- anger, hurt, frustration.

"Why do you keep trying to rationalize this and make it sound like some tawdry affair? Why can't you get it? You're the last thought on my mind before I sleep, and the first when I wake up. But you never truly open up to me Liv. You've never even said 'I love you' without me saying it first. I guess what I should've asked was if you want this? Do you want this," he gestured to the space between their bodies, "to be more?"

Olivia stared at his handsome face, shocked by Fitz's revelation. His eyes- a mix of blue and grey- always showed his emotions, allowing her to read him like an open book.

"Can we please talk about this tomorrow, Fitz? I don't want to argue and say something I don't mean." she said quietly. He nodded. But he knew they wouldn't talk about it tomorrow. She was avoiding the question. But he didn't argue, because he didn't want to push her. She turned back over in bed, and he wrapped his free arm around her waist.

"I love you, Livy. Goodnight." Fitz kissed her hair and closed his eyes.

_***End of flash back***_

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Memories of us and our time together begin to play in my mind. I realize that that's when I should've told him. I should have told him that I wanted it all- Christmases and birthdays, the white picket fence and maybe even the 2.5 kids. I should have told him that I wanted _normal_. But now it was too late. I pushed him away, and he gave me what I asked for. I think about him all the time. I think about the look on his face when he said he's letting me go. I think about the pain he caused me, and the pain I caused him. We have been through so much.

But I lied to him. I told him we were in this together, and that I would never leave his side. But I left, and I broke his heart. In the process, I shattered mine as well. _Karma has a way of biting you in the ass, doesn't it Olivia? _

_Maybe, it just wasn't meant to be. At least you tried, right? You fought and you cried, but it didn't work out. _

But she knew that is she was being honest with herself, she'd know that it wasn't true. _He _tried; _he_ fought. _You pushed him away, and now you have to pay the consequences._ Then it was like the dam broke. She allowed herself to cry for everything that she lost, and would never get a chance to discover. She would never know what it would have been like for them. What their kids might have looked like. She cried for the wrongs she had done, and for lying to him. _Look at what you have done, Olivia. _She knew what she did, and it made her already shattered heart break a little more.

She began to clean herself up- wiped her tears, dried her eyes. She had to be strong; she already allowed time for her wallowing. _ I_ _am Olivia Pope and I_-

She was interrupted by a knock on her door.

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**AN: Thank you all for reading! Writing stories is still new for me, and I want y'all to like them. I'd really, really love it if you could leave me some feedback or advice, good or bad, so I can get more ways to improve. Who do you think is at her door? Most of you will guess right ;-) Okay, bye! **

**(P.S. - Didn't last night's episode leave you speechless and on the edge of your seat or is it just me? It was Aaaaamazing, right?!) **


	3. Should've, Could've, Would've

**_AN: I want to start off by saying thank you to all who left such amazing reviews. You guys really made my week (I literally told anyone who was willing to listen). Alrighty people, this chapter is from Fitz's point of view-finally! You guys encouraged me to keep writing, so here goes. Hope you like it!_**

**_I do not own Scandal; you would be able to tell if I did._**

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Fitz's POV

Air Force One just landed in DC coming from the G8 Summit. Fitz lied in the chair, staring out the window looking at the reporters held back by the gates. He's been drowning himself in his work ever since _that _night. Cyrus thinks he got his president back- the one dedicated to his job, the one who doesn't think about Olivia Pope 24/7. But Fitz was just putting on the mask. He puts the mask on when he walks off the plane on the south lawn and greets his _wife _with a chaste kiss on her lips. The press loves it. They think it's sweet. What they don't know is that it's all a façade, it's all for image. Because on the inside he's breaking; on the inside, he's falling apart. He's grasping at straw trying to keep it al together.

He's escorted into the white house by tom and Hal. He likes tom; he's trustworthy and honest, and he doesn't judge. But Hal? Fitz knew Hal was the one who kept tabs on him for the first lady. He suspects Hal has a thing for her, but either way, he doesn't trust him.

Fitz walks into the oval and is greeted by Cyrus.

"Welcome back, sir. You have been missed."

"Thanks, Cyrus; it's good to be back." Fitz says a bit unenthusiastically. Cyrus notices Fitz odd behavior but decides to leave it alone.

Alright then, I'll leave you to yourself, Mr. President. I'll have to see you later; we need to go over your speech for your meeting with OPEC." He said and left the room.

Fitz went over to his cupboard and pulled out the bottle of scotch and his glass. He poured himself a drink and sat down at his desk.

As he brought the drink to his lips he sighed.

"Another day," he said quietly. And he drank, feeling the amber liquid gliding down his throat, warming him on the inside.

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A few days later, Fitz was sitting in the oval after his meeting with the OPEC members. He looked at the desk, and was assaulted with memories of him and Olivia christening it on his inauguration night. God, he missed her. He thought about her constantly. He sometimes allowed himself to envision what their lives could have been like. He dreamed of her, and often found himself waking up in uncomfortable positions because of those dreams. _You're pathetic, Fitzgerald. Dreaming of her while your _wife_ is down the hall. _Fitz laughed humorlessly at the word- _wife_. Saying it left a bitter taste in his mouth. _Why didn't I wait for you, Liv? _He wonders how he got to this point. But deep down somewhere, he knew that even if she didn't go to his hotel room hat night, they would've ended being together anyways. He knew in his soul that they were meant to be. It was just bad timing. Maybe in another world, they would have been married, and Karen and Gerry and Teddy would be _their _children.

_I guess you just can't have it all, can you?_

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**_AN: Okay, that's it for now. I know I haven't updated this story in a while, so this is my little treat to you all. Please leave a review, I love to read them. It's like tearing open presents at Christmas! Alright, bye ya'll! _**

**_PS: Thursday's episode was amazing, right? Shonda never ceases to amaze me. I love that woman. Ok, this is really good bye, now. Bye!_**


	4. Chapter 4 PREVIEW

**_Author's Note: THIS IS _****NOT****_ A FULL CHAPTER, IT'S JUST A PREVIEW. Okay, with _****that****_ out of the way, I want to say sorry, sorry, and sorry for the really long hiatus. I'm so sorry I haven't had the chance to update this story, please don't hurt me. Alright. I've kept ya'll waiting long enough, enjoy this little snippet!_**

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Fitz was reviewing some new bills passed for more government funding. He just finished a stack of paperwork, but couldn't find his focus. He was too busy thinking about _her. _He remembered her smile, and how he always seemed to gravitate to her when she walked in a room. He remembered that spurt feeling of jealousy he would get at banquets and balls when he saw a man looking at her, touching her, dancing with her. The mere thought of her drove him insane, especially now that he didn't have her. _Maybe she was never yours to have? _But he knew in his heart, and from the deepest corner of his soul that he could not live without her.

_Dammit, Fitzgerald! Stop torturing yourself. You. Let. Her. Go. Remember? _How could he forget?

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he was pacing in the rose garden thinking about the memories they had there.

_"What's wrong?" he said as he watched her pace in circles. "you pace in circles when something's wrong. when you're just thinkng its back and forth, but when something's wrong- circles."_

_"Did you need something, Mr. President?" she says curtly yet tiredly._

_"See, it used to sound sexy when you called me 'Mr. President', now it just sounds like I'm a gym teacher."_

_"Did you need something?" she repeats._

_"The Sally Hemmings- Thomas Jefferson comment was below the belt-" he begins but was cut off._

_"Because its so untrue?" she asks, not really looking for an answer._

_"You're playing the race card on the fact that I'm in love with you?" she scoffs and starts to pace. "Come on, don't belittle us, its insulting and beneath you and designed to drive me away, I'm not going away." now he's getting frustrated, something that often happens when he's with Olivia._

_"i don't have to drive you away. You're married. You have children, you're the leader of the free world. You _are _away, by definition- you're away. You're unavailable." A_nd I can't have you,_ she thinks._

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**_AN: Okay, guys. that was just a little sneak peek as to what is to come in the fourth chapter. Most of ya'll can guess the rest of this scene, I've watched a million times. _**

**_Okay, let me know whatchya think, and I'll really try to update as soon as I can, alright? Okie-dokie, ya'll, bye- bye!_**


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